written by Michele Brown
Where Do I Belong
Do you feel lost? Are relationships hard for you? Where do you even fit in? Sometimes it feels like you will never find even one person who truly “gets” you. Moving from high school into early adulthood is a time of intense transition, change and upheaval. It often feels like you don’t belong anywhere. Or maybe that has been your experience for a long time. Maybe you’ve never gotten along with your parents. Maybe your younger years have been formed by chaos, fear or loneliness and now you are trying to navigate a world without a lot of outside support. You try to rely on your friends, but they all have their own issues and you feel like you are just one more burden on them. You have turned to social media, but it just shows you all the beautiful people doing beautiful things and you feel like you will never be able to attain that beautiful life. And the reality is that you are right, you will never be able to attain that beautiful life because social media is not real. And in your heart, you probably know that, but you keep hoping that something will happen that will change your life of loneliness and sadness into something purposeful and filled with meaning and love.
Helpful Relationships vs. Hurtful Relationships
You are not alone. Did you know that almost every teen or young adult struggles with finding their place in life and finding peace with their life? We live in a world that has been damaged. We live in families that feel the effect of that damage and are falling apart. Unfortunately, the children are the ones that feel the effects most intensely and then take that into their adult lives, perpetuating the cycle of loneliness, anxiety and depression. God has created us to be in relationships and to thrive and heal in the loving circle of relationships. But what if those relationships are not loving and supportive? Or what if you have been unable to surround yourself with people who will love and support you? Learning who you are, where you stand in God’s eyes and understanding the hurt that you have experienced or caused is the key to finding healthy, loving relationships where you will find purpose, meaning and love. If you are looking for where you belong, you need to start with knowing who you are.
But Who Are You?
How do you start? You could start with personality tests. Take the Myers Briggs, get your enneagram number. That may give you helpful information, but it doesn’t tell you who you are. Who you are is made up of your personality, your gifts, your interests, your hopes, your dreams and even your flaws and your failings. You are not perfect. You will make mistakes and you will fail. The quicker you learn to accept that, the better off you are. And yes, people may judge you, but realizing that most people judge everyone will help you see that trying to please them is futile. I believe that God has created each of us differently and beautifully. We are each unique with our own set of gifts, quirks and flaws. And He loves us perfectly. Since He made us, He knows us more intimately than anyone else. And He still loves us. We long to belong, who better to belong to than the One who made us and loves us unconditionally? He already knows us and can show us who we are and help us to overcome our failings. As Christians, we belong with Him. We just have to seek Him. But what if you don’t believe in God, or don’t know where you stand? Finding who you are without His help is a longer, more difficult road, but not impossible. It all starts with taking a risk. Being willing to be vulnerable and be open to seeing the bad along with the good. The bad should encourage us to weed out what we don’t like and strive for a better and healthier life, with better and healthier relationships. The good gives us the courage to keep going.
The Good, The Bad and The Scary
Are you willing to be open and honest about the hurt you have seen and the hurt you have caused? Are you willing to be open and honest about the positives and negatives in your life? Are you willing to let go of what doesn’t help and seek what does? It’s vital that you take part in seeing the cycles in your life - the hurt, the flaws and the gifts - and learn how to stop the negative cycles. Sometimes it takes making a clean break from unhelpful relationships, sometimes it takes learning new communication patterns so you can repair broken relationships. Sometimes it’s all an internal struggle and allowing yourself to be vulnerable with people and risk being hurt by them in order to gain deeper relationships. Learning to look inside of you and being willing to take new risks will allow you to see the potential that was given to you when you were formed. When you see your potential, you will begin to see who you truly are and learn to accept that person - the good, the bad and the ugly. But it is all just that. Taking new risks. It is almost impossible to grow, change and learn without being willing to take risks. The number one best way to deal with anxiety is to put yourself in a place where you feel that anxiety and work through it. The same is true in finding where you belong. The number one way to grow and change is to put yourself in a position where you have to grow and change. That builds resilience. That builds strength. And that builds growth.
We are made to grow and become more like God’s son, Jesus. He is loving and caring and just and true. Who of us would not like to have those attributes? If you are a believer, that is your goal and if you are seeking Him, He will bring you into relationships that will encourage you. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, I challenge you to find a greater purpose than to have those attributes or to find people who will encourage you to become loving and caring and just and true. But to become like Jesus takes time, courage and a desire to change, but you have to be willing to take that first step. Take that risk.
How Can Counseling Help?
Finding someone to walk that path with you is important. Again, God made us to be in relationship. We are not meant to walk the hard paths and take risks alone. In a therapeutic relationship, we would work on finding who you are and your potential. I would love to help you see the Bible as your source of hope and strength, help you see God as your loving Father and begin to find “your people”: the ones that will walk alongside you through life and help you see God more and more clearly.