Understanding Anger More Fully
We live in a society defined by anger and outrage, but most of us do not have a good understanding of anger or how it manifests itself in our daily lives. It is this hidden force, bubbling under the surface, and it has much more influence over us than we would like to admit. For the most part we are unaware of how anger is playing out in our lives. When things are outside of our awareness, they hold far more power and control over us.
My hope is that as you come to a more full understanding of anger, you will be able to recognize the many forms it can take in your life and also receive the important messages that the anger is trying to send to you. The first step in managing anger is noticing it and understanding why it is there. Once you grow in this self-awareness, you will begin to grow in your ability to choose how you respond to the anger you feel. You do not have to fear anger and it doesn’t have to rule you!
Anger is an emotion that every single person experiences. This is the reality of living in a fallen world that is filled with imperfect people and uncountable forms of injustice and tragedy. There is a lot to be angry about! Corrupt politicians, terrible drivers, incompetent coworkers, abusive parents, insensitive “friends”, natural disasters…the list could go on and on. There is a lot wrong in our world and the natural response to these things is anger.
We all want to know what we are supposed to do with this anger, but the first step is to ask yourself, “What is going on inside of me right now? What is causing me to feel so angry? What purpose is it serving?”
Anger takes many forms. It is not just rage and losing your temper. It is not just yelling and screaming. Anger can take the form of icy silence or avoidance. It can look like criticizing others in your thoughts, impatience, anxiously focusing on upcoming deadlines, turning everything into a competition, responding with sarcasm, and getting stuck on the things in life that are unfair. It can even take the form of depression or a lack of empathy towards others. Shy people get angry, extroverts get angry, kind people get angry, and super relaxed people get angry. There are no exceptions. Search your heart. What does anger look like for you and your temperament?
Anger in and of itself is neither good nor bad. It is simply an emotion. Dr. Les Carter (2012), in his book The Anger Workbook, describes anger as the emotion of self-preservation (Pg. 10). It is protective in nature. I like to think of anger as a warning light for you and your relationships. It is an indication that something is not right and something needs to be addressed, either in your own heart or in the relationship itself. But what are we trying to protect? What causes the anger light to turn on? We experience anger when we feel the need to preserve our personal worth, our essential needs, and our basic convictions. Feeling anger is not the issue, it is how we respond to our anger that we often get ourselves into trouble. Let’s look more closely at these three causes of anger.
Preserving Personal Worth
Anger is often sparked when you feel demeaned or invalidated. There are many instances where this could occur, but the common thread to all of them is the feeling that you are not being valued or respected. Your worth is being called into question and you are receiving the message from another person that you are not good enough, you are not significant, and you don’t really matter that much.
We often carry deep wounds from our past into our relationships today. Childhood and family life in particular are the school grounds for emotional and relational health. It is in these venues that we learn who we are in the world and how we are to relate to others. Therefore childhood experiences can have a profound impact on a person’s sense of worth and their current sensitivity to being disrespected or unappreciated. It is important for you to ask yourself how your worth was or was not communicated to you as a child. Could that be impacting how you currently express your anger with your family, friends, and coworkers?
When you find yourself experiencing anger, stop and ask yourself, “What is causing this reaction in me right now? Is someone challenging my self-worth? Do I feel the need to protect my dignity right now?”
Preserving Essential Needs
As human beings we have basic survival needs. We were created by God to be needy people. This of course applies to physical needs like food, water, shelter, and safety. But it also applies to emotional needs. We were created to need others. When Adam was without a companion, God saw that it was not good and He created Eve. We are relational beings to the core, which means we need to feel loved, cared for, understood, and enjoyed among other things.
It is impossible to list out all the needs a person might have, but examples might include needing alone time, needing to feel stimulated at work, needing trustworthy coworkers, needing someone to externally process with after a long day, needing structure and order in your day , needing friends to confide in, needing independence, and the list could go on an on. The take-away here is for you to figure out what is important to you and what you need in order to have physical and emotional well-being. Where are your needs being met and where aren’t they? There is real pain when our needs go unnoticed and unmet.
It is also important to note that not all needs are created equal. The need to pay bills, or the need for a supportive and caring spouse are more significant than the need to have the latest and greatest fashion trends. But a lesser need can still create a great amount of turmoil and pain when it isn’t met. How might unmet needs be fueling anger in your life? Do you feel you are being denied something that is essential to your well-being?
Preserving Basic Convictions
We all live with a standard of beliefs and convictions. You could call it a code of morality or a sense of right and wrong. Regardless, we have an idea of how the world is supposed to work and how people are supposed to act in order for the world to function properly. When these convictions are violated by another person or an organization, it can be distressing and frustrating. It could be as simple as placing a high value on timeliness, where being late shows disrespect and a lack of responsibility, or as complex as firmly believing in a political stance. Statements like, “The word just needs more ______” or “How could he do that? People of character do not act that way,” help reveal our convictions and where we might get riled up when those convictions aren’t upheld by others. Beliefs are powerful things. Wars have been fought over them and friendships have crumbled in the face of differing opinions.
It is not wrong to hold to strong convictions and be principled, but maybe your convictions are leading you to act in an unloving manner. It is possible to be right and still lose. How might the need to stand for your personal convictions be sparking your anger and dictating how you respond in those situations? It is worth considering and understanding how convictions and anger play into each other.
What Next?
Now you know what to look for and what questions to ask when you start to feel angry or upset. The first step towards anger management is understanding what is going on inside of you when you are angry. Do you feel the need to protect your worth, needs, or convictions? Once you evaluate your anger, you are in a better place to make a decision on how to respond. Remember, you always have a choice in how you respond.
As you can see, each of these sources of anger can often be legitimate. You are a beloved child of God who was created with dignity, significance, and worth. Your needs matter, and convictions can be extremely important. In your anger your concerns might be correct, but your response might be problematic. When you stop to name what is causing the anger, you gain the ability to choose how you want to respond. You gain the ability to communicate your anger in a proper and helpful manner.
Make sure you check back in because we will explore what your choices look like in responding to anger next.