How to Get the Most Out of Therapy
Starting therapy with a new counselor can be a truly terrifying experience. There is so much unknown and so much to wonder about. What is expected of me as a client? What should I expect from the therapist? Is there some secret code full of unwritten rules that everyone knows except for me? Am I going to make a complete fool of myself? Will the therapist think I'm the biggest train wreck that has ever walked into this office? What should and shouldn't I talk about with my counselor?
It is perfectly natural to be anxious and hesitant about going into counseling for the first time. When things are unknown and shrouded with mystery, they just create more anxiety and fear. It is my hope that this blog post will shine a little light on the counseling process and make it feel less daunting to get started. But I also want to give a realistic snap shot of what counseling looks like, so that you are not caught off guard or disappointed with things that are actually perfectly normal to go through in the midst of the journey toward growth and health.
Can You Fix Me and My Problem?
I think just about every person I have ever seen in counseling starts the first session with some statement like, "So how does this work? Do I just start talking or what?" The truth is I always want to hear what is on your mind and spend time talking about things that are important to you, so please speak up. I usually spend the first session learning about what led you to seek counseling and what you hope to get out of counseling. We will then work together to establish goals that you want to work towards and formulate a plan to help you reach those goals. The more specific the goals the better. If you do not really know what you want to pursue, that is totally fine. Things might be so hard right now and you might feel so blah that the only thing you know is that you just want to feel better. That's ok! I'm here to help you figure out what is important to you and help you better understand what you are feeling and what you need. You are not walking this path alone anymore and you don't have to have it all figured out before you come into counseling.
Another common issue that comes up is the unspoken expectation that it is the counselor's job to fix you and solve all your problems. This is a hard one because it is partially true. I have been trained to listen to you and make you feel understood. I have been trained to come up with treatment plans and help you execute your goals. I have been trained in therapeutic techniques. I have studied what healthy relationships are supposed to look like and I have been trained to spot problems and notice things that most people wouldn't notice. But even with all that training, I cannot fix you without your participation. I am not a surgeon or a car mechanic, who is working on some passive object that is unable to contribute to the process. I do not have any magic words that will heal you on the spot. Insight and advice alone, no matter how brilliant, will not solve your problems. I wish it was as simple as you telling me your life story and me hitting you with a truth bomb, and then you never struggling with that issue ever again.
The reality is that counseling is a relationship between two people. Our deepest wounds and hurts happen in relationships, so it is a wonderful thing that it is in relationships that we can experience the deepest growth and healing from those wounds. Don't get me wrong, the counselor must be competent and skilled at what he or she does, but the two most important factors in a positive counseling experience are 1). the relationship between you and the therapist and 2). your willingness to engage in the process. Good relationships require intentional engagement, honesty, and a feeling of safety. The relationship is the conduit of change, where you can experience grace, empathy, validation, challenge, and a sense of being known and enjoyed. A relationship like this gives you a new experience of yourself and it empowers you to go out into the world and actually live differently.
You are a living, breathing person with agency and the freedom to make your own decisions. Your actions matter and have consequences, for both good and bad. You have the power to make changes in your life and implement a lifestyle that promotes growth and real joy. The things you do in this life carry weight and are significant. It is a beautiful thing, but it also comes with responsibility. I simply cannot change you or your circumstances by myself. It requires work on your part that is often difficult and scary, but know that you are not working alone. I am here, ready to walk beside you, support you, and remind you that there is hope even on the hardest days.
Will This Ever Get Better?
Another common experience I have noticed in counseling is that people experience initial growth or relief from whatever they were struggling with and then out of nowhere they start to struggle again. Let me tell you that this is perfectly normal. In counseling, you are often learning a new skill or trying something out for the first time. We are never professionals at anything at first. We make mistakes, we get tired, and then we want to give up. Growth requires practice and patience. Failures along the way do not mean that you are a failure. Be kind to yourself as you seek to learn new life skills. Battle those perfectionistic tendencies to demand perfection or nothing from yourself. It is tempting to take failure as a confirmation of your worst fears: that things will never get better, that you can't do it, that you are unlovable, and that there is no hope. Those are all really painful thoughts. This fear of failure might lead you to never even try something different, because at least then your worst fears wouldn't be validated. It hurts less to not try at all and to never allow yourself to hope that things could actually be better. It is safer to do nothing, but this safety comes at a great price. I do not view failures, mistakes, or falling off the wagon as confirmation that you can't do it. I view it as a normal part of learning and a sign that you are bravely working at something that is not easy but 100% worth it. My hope for you is not so easily diminished.
What Is the Source of Your Hope?
Where does hope come from? Does it come from our personal abilities? Our finances? Our life circumstances? All those things are fragile and ultimately let us down. My hope for you and for me is secure because ultimately my hope is in the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ. God loves you and has proven his faithfulness time and time again. My hope is steadfast even in the hardest of times because Christ is steadfast. Hope does not falter when we mess up because God's good promises were never dependent on us being perfect. God's promise of redemption and restoration of all creation is solely dependent on the completed work of Jesus on the cross and his resurrection from the dead. God's promises that He will heal us from our deepest hurts, that the blind will see, the lame will walk, and all our tears will be wiped away have already received their yes and amen in Christ. That means we can face the brokenness and the pain in our lives with confidence and hope that no matter how hard things are right now, we can be confident that Christ is alive, He is good, He is always with us, and He is coming again to make all things right. We are free to go out into the world and love others because we are loved by God. We are free to face painful things that terrify us because we know how the story ends. It was never even a fair fight.