The core question I’m basically always asking in my work with clients is “how do we work together to create sustainable change?” And if I’m not mistaken, I think this is probably the main question you the client are also asking as you reach out for help. You want to know there is hope that things could be different and you’d like some help to get there. I may write more entries on this subject, but for now I just wanted to highlight two key elements that are central in the change process. These elements are applicable to any human struggle, but the following discussion will focus on sexual recovery, as this is one of the main areas in which I regularly work.
Find Your Why
A key first assignment in therapy is to sit down and write a thank you and goodbye letter to your unwanted/addictive sexual behaviors. You have been in a relationship of sorts with this struggle. It has clearly served a purpose in your life, and in some way you felt that you needed it to cope or function. It has been rewarding in some way, otherwise you would not continue to go to it despite experiencing increasingly negative consequences. In spiritual terms, this behavior has become your functional savior, the thing you look to for hope when nothing else seems to be working.
Often people are frustrated in recovery and discover that their willpower is not enough to help them change. Part of why willpower is not enough is that the will is divided in this case. Part of the will wants to change and is sick of repeating the same patterns, but another often stronger part of the will still believes that it needs this and is terrified of change. You need to befriend this part of you that is scared and bring some compassion into the conversation with it. No one has ever achieved sustained change by being yelled at or forced into submission, and this is essentially what you are doing to yourself when you don’t explore how you have needed this behavior to deal with pain and with life.
As you write this thank you and goodbye letter, you are engaging with your motivation to change and finding your why for recovery, which is an anchor that you will regularly return to on the journey. You recognize why you needed this and in a way you say thank you for the creative ways that you tried to solve your problems, and how it did at times temporarily provide relief. But then you must ultimately say goodbye and acknowledge that this relationship has become destructive, has taken much more than it ever gave, and will lead you into a pit of despair if it continues. It cannot ultimately be your savior. It is important to be very specific about what this has cost you, what it has taken from you, and why you do not want to keep holding onto it. There will inevitably be times where you lose clarity on how it harms you, and the old siren song will be calling you back. At these times you can look at your letter and remind yourself of your ultimate desire to change.
What Are You Replacing it With?
This second factor is intimately connected to the first, and is again why a willpower based, pray harder approach is often frustrating for clients in their search for growth. It’s not enough to know that you want something gone. We are not motivated in a long term way by the negative or by threats of punishment. If the only goal is to stop viewing porn, this becomes a very negative and discouraging journey in which you are constantly faced with how much shame and guilt you feel. So I would propose shifting the goal to understanding on a much deeper level why you viewed porn, what wounds or life problems you were trying to deal with, and finding new ways of addressing these problems.
I have carried an illustration from the book You Are What You Love by James K.A. Smith, that I often reference to clients in this regard. If you want to inspire sailors to head out onto the high seas for a voyage, you do not show them schematics or building plans for a ship. You take them to a vista overlooking the sea and you let them take in the majesty of the open water. This beauty captures the imagination and inspires action more than reading about a voyage or studying how a ship is built. This is the same idea with motivating change in us. The vista in this case is engaging with God around the vision of what you want your life to be like and who you want to become. What is possible for you if you stop returning to the old ways? How could hope transform what so often feels like emptiness and despair? What could it feel like to enter into life with a confident integrity and with feeling connected to spouse, children, and friends? The Bible repeatedly talks about putting on virtues as we put the old man to death, and we should not be surprised that God as our creator is well aware of the need to replace old behaviors with new ones that bring life.
If you want to engage deeper with these factors, a counseling relationship is an excellent place to start. Please reach out today if you would like more support and are tired of a willpower or shame based approach to change.