In our last blog post we discussed how many men simply do not know how to engage and be present in the way that their wives and kids long for them to be present. This isn’t because of a lack of desire or because men don’t care about their families. Instead, we have seen that the difficultly in being present is often a result of not having the skill set because it was never modeled or taught to them when they were growing up.
Not knowing how to do something often leads to shame, embarrassment, and feelings of inadequacy. This is especially true when we really care about the thing we don’t know how to do. It is this state that many men find themselves at home: overwhelmed, worn out, criticized, unsure, and feeling like their best effort isn’t good enough.
Reason 3 - Feelings of Shame and Inadequacy
How do you respond when you sense something isn’t going well and you’re also not sure how to fix it? Some personalities might be drawn to that dynamic and thrive in “problem-solving mode.” They might dive into research, pouring energy and effort into the confounding issue until it is resolved. But the problem here is that most of us do not share this personality trait and even if we did, relationships don’t work like that. They are not problems to be solved like fixing a leaky faucet or stream-lining processes in the office at work. Children do not come with a manual and our wives’ emotions are often far more intimidating than the most complicated issue that comes up at work. I’ve heard so many men say things like, “Work is a cake walk compared to home life,” or “At least I know what I’m doing in the office and I actually feel like people respect me there.”
For many men, coming home at the end of the day will inevitably lead to being reminded that they don’t know what they are doing and feeling like they are failing at being the dad and husband their family needs. It can feel like your family members are criticizing you and are disappointed in you. This is an extremely painful experience and we often try to avoid such painful feelings at all costs, because we associate them with the loss of relationship.
When We Feel Inadequate We Turn to What We’re Good At
We all long to know that we are competent and well respected, so it makes sense that most of us are drawn to things we are naturally good at. And if we are good at things then we think that people will want to be around us and we will know we matter.
Turning towards areas we excel in also means we turn away from the things that make us feel inadequate. Inadequacy and shame lead to self-protective and defensive behaviors in us. When we feel like we aren’t measuring up, we often withdraw and hide. Hiding can look like stony silence at the dinner table, avoiding contact or interaction, spending long hours at work, or getting lost in tasks and to-do lists around the house on the weekend. We often turn to measurable tasks that are rewarding and doable. But this comes with consequences.
It’s true that our defense mechanism of avoiding does protect us from direct interactions that make us feel like we’re not good enough, but it also creates a self-fulfilling prophecy of not being the men we want to be. The more we avoid, the less present we are at home, which then leads to increased feelings of inadequacy and a sense that we are disappointing our loved ones. Basically, turning to what we are good at makes us feel better in the moment but actually makes our situation worse in the long run.
Counseling Can Help You Work Through Feelings of Inadequacy
It is natural and normal to feel insecure and inadequate in things you struggle with, but you don’t have to be a slave to that experience. The feeling of inadequacy doesn’t have to rule you by controlling your choices and behaviors. In counseling, you can learn to name the emotions of shame and inadequacy and then connect them to specific experiences that trigger those feelings. As you name and process these experiences, you will start to be more aware of when you are feeling like a failure. This feeling is always painful, but you will also notice a new freedom to choose how you want to respond instead of simply reacting defensively.
Counseling can help you start to choose to engage with others in the midst of feeling like a failure. The more you engage, the more loved and enjoyed you will feel and then those painful feelings of inadequacy will lose their potency. You don’t have to be perfect, in fact you can’t be perfect. But we are called to be imperfectly present and engaged and that is enough.
Counseling can also help you work through the association we often make between “I’m not good enough,” and “I’m going to lose the people I love the most.” You just might find that leading with your imperfections and sharing your feelings of inadequacy will actually unlock deeper connections than you ever imaged and convey more strength and courage than pretending you have it all together.
If you would like to work through your feelings of inadequacy that are blocking a better relationship with your loved ones, please don’t hesitate to reach out. We offer a free 15 minute phone consultation to see if we would be a good fit for you and your needs.