The content on these posts often comes from the real life work that we do and the stories and struggles that clients are sharing with us. For whatever reason, in different seasons it seems like certain issues become more prevalent than others, and in this recent season, a high percentage of the men I work with have been expressing a lot of frustration and pain related to their sex life. And it can be hard to know where to turn for reliable information on how to handle this. I see two extremes that can take place in this area, the first being to feel entitled to a great sex life, becoming more and more resentful, to the point that an affair, divorce, or deepening relationship with sexual fantasy takes place. The second and opposite extreme is a form of Christian teaching that would emphasize denial of self, accommodating the spouse (especially if there has been any form of sexual betrayal or deception), and accepting that the sexual relationship is not going to improve for many years. I think either of these extremes places a person in a rough spot and is lacking in balance, which means it won’t be sustainable or lead a person anywhere good. The answer is not blowing up your marriage, nor is it to remain in the marriage in a perpetual state of deprivation and trying to be good enough to receive sexual attention from your spouse. So what is the way forward? I humbly offer two main thoughts.
Face Your Emotions
I see men struggling to talk with their wives about their emotions when it comes to sexual frustration and deprivation. This is understandable. It can be hard to communicate about many things in a marriage, and sexual things are among the most vulnerable and sensitive. Yet, it is crucial to know how you actually feel about the issue and to find a way to talk about it so that your spouse can hear and understand. A foundational theory for understanding our emotional lives and our relationships is called attachment theory, which posits that we form beliefs about ourselves and others as well as patterns of interaction based on our primary relationships with caregivers growing up. When we marry, our spouses become our primary attachment figures, and a lot of the same emotions and patterns of interaction that we felt with our caregivers come to life, and this shows up in how we approach sexual struggles.
Anxious Attachment
An anxiously attached person struggles to know how to comfort themselves and looks outside for comfort. They may have had caregivers who were inconsistent or unpredictable, sometimes being affectionate and there for them, and other times being distant or rejecting. How does this play out in dysfunctional couples communication related to sex? This is the man who is hounding his partner when it comes to the subject of sex. They will make it known that they are unhappy, whether directly or indirectly. They may sulk and walk around the house with a forlorn expression, or express outright anger or disappointment often and loudly. This pursuit tends to push the other spouse away as they feel pressured and put off by the way in which the subject is being handled.
Avoidant Attachment
An avoidantly attached person struggles to believe other people can provide comfort or will be there for them and looks inside for comfort, believing that they can only count on themselves. They may have had caretakers who were rigid or strict, or who weren’t present emotionally and did not encourage them to talk about their needs. How does this play out? This man will feel pain about the sexual relationship but probably won’t talk about it much. He will feel a lot of internal resentment but won’t see a point in bringing it up, especially if he has in the past and it didn’t go well or if he felt rejected sexually. This marriage may look ok on the surface and like it is functioning smoothly, but this man is withering away inside and is highly vulnerable to affairs or the fantasy world as a way to cope in private and meet his own needs that he has decided his spouse is unable to meet for him.
Secure Attachment
The place we want to get to is secure attachment- a belief that we can take care of ourselves and cope when necessary, and we can also reach out to others and ask for help. This requires knowing what you feel. The anxious person feels something and impulsively acts on it, pursuing the other person to talk. The avoidant quickly numbs what they feel and doesn’t want to face it. It is essential to slow down and name what you feel about sex and your marriage. This is incredibly hard because it is often a grief process. You thought your marriage would go differently, and you are faced with many things outside of your control that feel hopeless. There is sadness here and longing for connection. There are feelings of failure and of not being good enough. There is perhaps a healthy and righteous anger. Often what we show our spouses is the most superficial emotion, rather than looking underneath for the softer emotions that reflect how we truly feel. These are vulnerable emotions that invite connection and empathy when we share them. Most spouses draw near when they hear their partner honestly connect with the pain they are feeling. And these emotions are not demands or discussions about how to fix things. It is simply, “I want you to know what I’m feeling about this, how I am trying to care for myself through this in a healthy way, and also that I need you.”
Ask Where God Is and What He is Doing
Struggling with this issue is a deep source of suffering, and it is not one that you can openly talk about like other losses that are more visible and socially acceptable. This is a private and lonely struggle, and a source of shame. Fortunately, we know that God is not surprised or overwhelmed by what is happening in your marriage and in your inner world. He is present in suffering and he works through suffering.
Parker J Palmer recounts something his therapist said to him when he was in crisis:
You seem to look upon depression as the hand of an enemy trying to crush you. Do you think you could see it instead as the hand of a friend, pressing you down to ground on which it is safe to stand?
Parker goes on to reflect,
Depression was the ground of my own truth, my own nature, with its complex mix of limits and gifts, liabilities and assets, darkness and light…over the years, the befriending intent of this figure never disappeared but became obscured by the frustration caused by my refusal to turn around. Since shouts and taps, stones and sticks had failed to do the trick, there was only one thing left: drop the nuclear bomb called depression on me, not with the intent to kill but as a last ditch effort to get me to turn and ask the simple question, “What do you want?” This is the self planted in us by the God who made us in God’s own image- the self that wants nothing more, or less, than for us to be who we were created to be.
Where am I going with this? Similar to the encouragement to slow down and face your emotions, I would ask you to slow down and face the suffering. I can see a frantic aspect that takes over men in these situations, a desperation to fix things as quickly as possible. I can also see a despair and giving up, a belief that is has become hopeless. Both responses ignore God and don’t ask why this suffering is coming into your life at this specific time. I’m reluctant to give examples or reasons because this is such a personal journey, but also can’t resist doing so in an effort to be helpful in jump starting you in your own reflections.
Perhaps God wants you to reflect on the unhealed wounds from the past and your characteristic ways of interacting with people that developed in your family of origin. Maybe being avoidant has worked in many aspects of life and people respect you for being so self sufficient. But it is not working in this situation and God is giving you an opportunity to look at it. Maybe you have idolized sex and believe it is your only or greatest need and have reinforced this through years of porn and masturbation, and God wants you to put it into its proper place. Maybe you have never really understood your spouse and what they have been through in life. Perhaps they have trauma that impacts their ability to be sexual, or they are struggling in some other way and God wants you to truly listen to them and to develop compassion.
Whatever is going on, the suffering is not random and it is not pointless. Wrestle with God on this as you would with any other suffering in your life. This is an invitation to go down and to see ourselves clearly. What needs to change in us? What do we need to let go of? What do we need to fight for? This could be an opportunity to develop a deeper intimacy with your spouse than you could have ever imagined and an opportunity to let go of patterns that you perhaps needed at one time, but that no longer serve you.
Conclusion
I hope it’s clear that I have deep empathy for this struggle. Please know that you’re not the only person feeling this way, I don’t think a day goes by in my office that some version of this struggle doesn’t come up. Men are depressed about this, they are angry, they are hopeless. I don’t want you to stay there. Please engage with your emotions, with God, and with others on this subject. Reach out to other men for support, find a counselor, and don’t give up on finding new ways to process this with your spouse. Sit down and write your spouse a letter that expresses your feelings in a new way, without blaming or attacking.
This would be a whole other blog post, but I don’t think wives are particularly happy being in this situation either. You may feel that they are content to stop having sex and don’t care about you, but this is only what is being presented superficially as you are in your dysfunctional communication around the subject, as each of you alternate between attacking and defending. Both of you got married for a reason. You want connection. Keep fighting for it.
Excerpts taken from Let Your Life Speak by Parker J Palmer