Who Is Responsible For My Actions?
This news cycle Antonio Brown has caught himself in has truly been something else. It seems every day brings a new and more outrageous twist. Every sports analyst is trying to figure out what is going on to cause this super star athlete to both personally and professionally completely fly off the rails. As a sports fan who is also a therapist, I can’t help but notice themes and patterns in Brown’s behavior that I am witnessing from the media’s coverage. If you are a sports fan, you are probably familiar with what I’m talking about. If you aren’t, then check out this article for some background information.
I want to be clear. I do not personally know Antonio Brown. I do not have any insider information and I am not here to confirm or deny allegations against him. I simply noticed a common thread in all the drama that Antonio Brown has found himself in: a lack of ownership.
In each new incident, Brown has sent the message that he is being wronged, he is being treated unfairly, and he is not at fault. From my vantage point, it seems that Antonio Brown is begging the public, his employers, and his peers to buy into this narrative that he is not responsible for his actions. He is not responsible for choosing to skip multiple mandatory practices. He is not responsible for choosing to post private documents and private conversations on social media. He is not responsible for choosing to get into a screaming match with his employer in front of the entire team. He is not responsible for choosing to text one of his accusers in an intimidating fashion. The list could go on.
Lies We Tell Ourselves About Personal Responsibility
The underlying assumption to this stance is that if someone wrongs me in any way, I am off the hook...I can do whatever I want and feel justified in my actions. This assumption is a lie.
Another assumption that fuels a lack of ownership is the lie that I had no choice but to respond the way I did. We always have a choice in how we respond, but when we forfeit our ability to make choices we end up just reacting. And we have to deal with the consequences of those reactions, whether it felt like we made a choice or not. This has not turned out well for Brown. He lost his job and millions of dollars along the way.
It is easy to look at Antonio Brown’s situation from afar and completely villainize him. To be fair his case is extreme, but if you honestly reflect on your own life you might be surprised how much of Antonio Brown you find in your own heart.
Shifting the Blame
The dance of blame shifting that Antonio Brown finds himself engaged in is actually as old as time. In the Bible when Adam and Eve are caught in the first act of sin in the world, what do they do? They point the finger at someone else.
“Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?” 12 The man said, “The woman you put here with me—she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it.” 13 Then the Lord God said to the woman, “What is this you have done?” The woman said, “The serpent deceived me, and I ate.”
- Genesis 3:12-13
Both of them are pleading with God to believe that it really wasn’t their fault. They weren’t responsible for their actions, and therefore they shouldn’t be subject to the consequences. If you look closely, Adam is making the argument that God is actually responsible for the choice Adam made. “The woman you put here with me is responsible and you, God, are responsible for creating this companion for me. If you hadn’t created Eve then I never would have willingly chosen to do something I clearly knew was wrong to do.”
We all do this. It is such an enticing message because it absolves us of any guilt. We can continue to feel good about ourselves and be the heroes of our own story. It frees us from having to say “I was wrong,” and it frees us from having to do the hard work of growing and making necessary changes in our lives. It frees us from having to repent to God and ask for forgiveness. Sounds like a pretty good deal huh?
The Cost of Not Taking Responsibility
But here’s the catch: when we do not take ownership of our actions and the choices we make, it costs us a great deal. First of all, it's a lie and living in a false reality is never beneficial to anyone. So it causes us to lose our grasp on reality, but the second casualty is our own agency. When we say “I had no choice but to cheat on that test,” or “My wife never wants to have sex, so I had go outside the marriage to get my needs met,” we are arguing that we are completely held hostage by our circumstances. We are saying we have no power or ability to make choices from a multitude of options before us. That is a scary path to go down and that is giving up all the control we have in our lives.
We can’t control everything in this life, but we can control ourselves and the choices we make. The moment we hand over our agency is the moment we are lying to ourselves, just like Adam and Eve did in the Garden of Eden. This lie cost Antonio Brown millions of dollars and the chance to continue playing in the NFL. I’ve seen it cost more ordinary people their jobs, their marriages, and their hope that life could ever be different.
Taking Responsibility Opens the Door to Growth
Yes, people wrong us and sin against us. Life is often painful and unfair, but that does not give us the right to do whatever we want in response. We are still responsible for our actions and we must own the choices we make. It is the only way forward towards positive growth. It is hopeful to know that we have agency and our actions matter. When we own our mistakes, we can move forward and take steps to heal broken relationships, ask for forgiveness, and seek reconciliation. It is taking responsibility and repenting that opens us up to receive God’s grace and mercy.
This is not an easy path, but it is worth it. Counseling can help you take ownership of painful aspects of your life, identify positive choices in front of you, and help you make the choices that move you towards the goals you have in life.