What Kind of Loop Are You Stuck In?
Our relational interactions have predictable cycles. You can change the situation or the input, but it still goes through the same cycle and ends in the same place. And ending in the same place no matter what you try to do is the thing that leads to a sense of futility, hopelessness, and negative feelings about yourself or your relationship. If it’s always going to go the same way, why bother? This is where anger escalates, as does desire to get out of the marriage. No one wants to be a hamster on the treadmill, getting nowhere and doing the same things all the time. Every couple knows what it means to keep having different versions of the same argument, day in and day out. So that begs the question- how do you get out of this cycle?
First you have to get clear about the nature of the cycle and you have to understand each move that is made within it. At the first sign of annoyance from your spouse, what do you do? When you’re under stress, what is your go to and how does it impact the people around you? Do you start to immediately shut down or do you get aggressive? Are you known for getting sarcastic or do you start anxiously trying to reassure? What do they then do? Whatever it is, I’d wager it fuels your next response, and this is your problematic couples cycle.
When you know your role in the cycle you are empowered to try something different and potentially create a new one. If you know that you automatically start to shut down and withdraw and that this makes your spouse feel really anxious and desperate, that’s information you can use. And it’s important to figure out why that is your go to, but there’s also immediate relief from both of you just knowing this and being able to name it. I’m urging couples all the time to just call out what’s happening- “I’m starting to feel like I want out of here and I’m shutting down, this is the cycle isn’t it?” Just doing that simple act starts to give you both some distance from the cycle and the opportunity to explore it together as a mutual foe, rather than continuing to view your partner as the enemy and the problem. And seeking help in counseling is another way of creating a new cycle by inviting a new and objective set of eyes into the loop. So just coming into the office for the first time is a huge positive step.
And if you are exploring the cycle together, you are now automatically in a different kind of cycle, one of collaboration and curiosity, and you’re moving closer to one another. You might even start taking chances and honestly sharing why you’re responding as you are, what you’re scared of, what hurts you. But there’s no room to try that when you’re just in the same old cycle. In that one it’s all about survival- attack, defend, escape.
The Power of Apologizing
I’d like to propose something else for interrupting cycles- confession and forgiveness. If these sound like spiritual terms, it’s because they are, and they have a vital role in relationships. When was the last time you proactively went to your spouse and apologized for something that happened in the day? When was the last time you checked in to see if there was anything you’d done that hurt or upset them, genuinely listened, and then asked to be forgiven? And it’s great if you resolve a conflict by both apologizing, but I think it’s even more powerful to make this a regular practice that isn’t just reserved for conflict situations. We’ve lost these basic rhythms that keep us connected to God and other people. If you aren’t engaged in this practice, what’s happening is that wounds and resentments are going unspoken and accumulating, which decreases safety and warmth in the relationship, which fuels negative cycles in which you’re not safe to talk about how you feel or to actually try and solve things together. And I can guarantee you that each day things are happening that need to be confessed and forgiven. I’m sure if you paused for a moment you could quickly think of something your spouse did that you would really love them to apologize for. It’s a bit harder to apply it to yourself, but if you searched, I’m sure you could find that as well.
If you practice this, now you’re in a cycle of humility and safety. Gone is the need to be right or wrong or to win. That doesn’t matter anymore because you know that your partner is willing to own their stuff and cares more about acknowledging that and staying close to you than anything else. So if you’re stuck, get clear about your cycle and your role in it, and consider what confession and forgiveness could do for you.
If you’d like to process your cycle, please reach out today and let’s work on this together. We serve the Philadelphia area and would love to help you get unstuck.