I frequently hear from men that when it comes to having a conversation with their wives, they feel like they are on an uneven playing field and can’t keep up. They often don’t even know where to begin in trying to have a meaningful conversation or to establish any kind of intimacy, and the ongoing frustration of their wives is baffling and infuriating for them. When we explore a man’s life experiences, it becomes clear that part of the problem with being present is a very simple one- they have no idea how to do it because it was never modeled, taught, or encouraged!

Reason 2- No Idea How

One of the main ways we learn how to do something is by watching it modeled for us. This is the appeal of YouTube, because we can search any subject and watch someone doing it successfully, step by step. The same process is supposed to happen in figuring out how to be in relationships, and it is supposed to be modeled in our families. Ideally, there would be opportunities to watch parents have conversations about a wide variety of things, but it’s especially important to see them navigate and resolve difficult interactions. It’s important to see feelings expressed, especially by fathers. And it’s equally important that parents encourage their children to share how they are feeling in a loving and supportive way, and for this to be the norm in daily life.

It Was Never Modeled To Us

And yet I hear the exact opposite from men. They report either never seeing parents talk about anything or seeing them blow up at each other in scary or unproductive ways. They describe fathers who work hard and emphasize being tough but who never provide a glimpse into their inner world of thoughts, feelings, and emotions or encourage their sons to talk about these things. One on one time, if it happens at all, is spent doing tasks or activities, and is frequently awkward or uncomfortable. And the strangest thing is that this is considered normal and rarely considered by men. It’s as if the world of relationships doesn’t exist. And it’s sad to me that we’ve consigned a relationship that involves this kind of sharing to the world of women and assumed it has no relevance for us. It’s like we’re starving and somehow don’t know it. Yet it clearly has relevance because we find ourselves with unhappy women in our lives, and if we’re honest, we’re aware of a loneliness and a sense of emptiness, a feeling that something is missing.

Growth Takes Practice: Counseling Can Get You Started

So there’s a major skill deficit here and the first hurdle to be overcome is to acknowledge that the deficit is there, to stop pretending that this is normal and the way to do things. Then it is time to begin learning and practicing. Therapy is a great place for this and is a huge part of what we are offering to men- a real relationship where there is an invitation to talk of deeper things, and where it’s ok to struggle with that and to be uncomfortable with it at times. Experiencing a safe and caring relationship in the context of therapy gives you skills and experience that you can readily translate into other relationships in your life. It’s also important to practice with your wife. I often encourage setting aside 10-15 minutes daily for a check in that involves going over 3 or 4 basic questions that help you to simply and briefly identify and talk about things you’ve felt and thought about over the course of the day. And please allow your wives to teach you. They ask good questions. Instead of finding their questions annoying or intrusive, view them as opportunities to learn and grow, and see what happens if you genuinely answer. There is also no end of books on communication, as well as YouTube videos, or Ted talks, so take the time to begin educating yourself, and then put the skills into practice, just as you would with learning any other skill. If you need recommendations for resources, just ask and we’ll be glad to point you in the right direction.

Many of you probably still have misgivings about communicating more and that is ok. We get that you’ve had a lifetime of experiences that have either shown you in very painful ways that sharing doesn’t work or a total lack of encouragement to share. We’ll unpack the deeper implications of our life experiences in a later post, but for now it’s enough to just recognize that there are skills and experiences lacking and that there is real hope for change if you want it.

If this resonates with you and you realize you have no idea what you’re doing- good! Get in touch today for a free 15 minute consult, and we can answer any questions you might have about how we can help. We’re here serving Bucks and Montgomery County in the greater Philadelphia area and look forward to meeting you.